tuesday morning 6am

I love early summer mornings. The dew on the grass, the predawn light, the freshness of a day yet to be polluted by machines.

I took a stroll through the veggie garden this morning to see how the fruits of my labor are coming along. Already I pulled a dozen zucchinis, as long as my arm, out of the garden, as well as tons of cucumbers. The tomatoes are just about ready for green frying and the watermelon is right on schedule. I have to admit I only fed these plants once this year and allowed mother nature to provide the rest. I do believe the cloudbuster, as the centerpiece of this project, has much to do with that.

It seems I need to pay attention to the weeds a little more.

Not bad for a garden that's been on auto pilot for the last 2 months.

I wonder how orgone will affect tobacco plants?

I need a new group of friends

I noticed some of these friends of mine tend to over-stay their welcomes. I'm not talking about someone who leaves just as you're going to bed, or someone who stays the night to sleep it off rather than try to drive home. I'm talking about a group of people who think it's acceptable behavior to not only spend the night but drink all your liquor, eat all your food, smoke all your tobacco, pass out in your favorite chair, and wake up late morning so they can sit around all day doing absolutely nothing but be in the way and complain because you ran out of food, liquor, and tobacco. One guy goes so far as to take the clock off the wall and disable it because the tick, tick, tick bothers him. Who cares if the owner of the house needs to see what time it is so he can get to work on time. Work? What's that? These moochers don't have to be anywhere at any time so they may as well plant their lazy asses in your living room or kitchen or spare bedroom because they don't have homes of their own. It would justify it a little if they'd do something constructive like clean up after themselves but all they seem capable of doing is dumping ashtrays in the garbage, sometimes setting the can on fire, with the occasional sound of breaking glass in the background. I was irritated when these parasites stayed after a party til 3 the next afternoon but I saw red when I came home at 6:30 the day after a party to see these leeches camped out in my place without the slightest thought of leaving. These are the same people who think it's perfectly ok to take a handful of cigarettes when they finally DO leave, as some kind of past party favor or something. I mean, when you see a guy sleeping on the sofa at 4am and see the very same guy still sleeping on this sofa at 6pm the next day and a girl walks up to you and says, "What's the matter? I just woke up." and the back yard is filled with these penniless deadbeats surrounded by empty bottles and cans and the thought never crosses anyone's mind to try cleaning up the sticky stuff all over the kitchen floor, you start getting the feeling you're being taken for granted. The kicker is these two assholes who come to visit (late night, of course) and can't seem to get up in the morning no matter how many shotgun rounds you fire under their bedroom window. I need to get to work so I leave a note that says, "Good morning. Help yourself to coffee and lock the door when you leave.", meaning drink your coffee and leave. I get back at 6:30 that night to find my door unlocked, my food eaten, and a note that says something about my alarm clock with a spent shotgun shell next to it, telling me they woke up but didn't feel like getting up. I later discovered they spent the day surfing on my computer, eating my food, and left the door unlocked so they could get back inside after going shopping. None of these people bring anything to the parties. I don't mind supplying a gallon of rum or a few cases of beer but these slugs can drain that in an hour and then drink the last of your wine collection and still mooch cigarettes because they forgot to bring their own and then they accidentally wear your favorite sunglasses home when they finally do leave.

If you happen to be one of these "friends," do me a favor and go someplace else from now on. That is, if you can afford the internet connection.

15 days

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. The five stages of grief, i.e., denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, was described as a process that people go through when death is imminent. The end of a relationship is as devastating as the death of a close family member, therefor, the five stages of grief hold true when a relationship has ended.

Fifteen days ago, through a bizarre set of circumstances, my live-in girlfriend of three years packed her bags and left. Abrupt and final. The absolute death of a relationship as quick as a car accident with no possibility of reversal. The relationship may have been ill but it didn't go terminal until July 5, 2009, and one day later the plug was pulled, ceasing all life support.

I suppose I was in denial when it first happened. "I don't believe this. This can't be for real."
When it happened I had a semi-clear head and a distinct adrenalin rush that lasted all day, even though I woke up at 6am that morning and spent the day and night drinking with friends for the 4th. I wasn't angry but I was hurt. If you're hurt bad enough in a car accident you go into shock. Your mind becomes separated and distant and everything is disconnected. Your mind won't accept what happened and that's pretty much how I felt. Definitely, denial had reared its ugly head.

A few days later, as I was burning some leftover detritus she left behind, I suddenly became angry. I mean I was pissed off about how this woman, who caused so much hurt, was getting away so easily. That was only a small reason and the only reason I could rationalize as to why I was so angry. I then realized I was angry in a general sort of way and I was looking for reasons for my extreme emotional swing. Anger without a clear reason is frustrating and that made me even more pissed off. At least I wasn't depressed. That would be much worse.

A couple days later I was thinking of reasons why it all went down and the seriously crazy, life-altering, mega stupid decisions she made that put her in a situation that will mind-fuck her for the rest of her life, living with a dead-beat dad she doesn't even know who has no job, no car, no money, no education, and no prospects. She must have planned this, I thought. She must have been drunk and didn't know what she was doing. He must have seduced her by faking sensitivity and she gave in because he showed her he cared. WRONG! It wasn't planned and she wasn't that drunk. It was premeditated. I got through bargaining.

Depression hit this week. This is the one the almost dead dread. As I sat outside, watching the clouds drift by, I thought about things. It was hard to talk to people, but I did. I wasn't my jovial self. I was more quiet, slow, and thoughtful and ..... depressed. I was soooo down. No real reason for it but I recognized the symptoms. Not wanting to talk and didn't care to get cheered up. I was quieter and just didn't care about life, the universe, or anything. And then it hit me........... DEPRESSION! Yeah, baby! Only one more step to go and WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Acceptance is easy! Bring it on, baby! Get that depression going and let the healing begin. I'm not dead. Hell, man, my life has made a giant turn for the better and I aint lookin back. Gone are the days of "psychic flashes" from this woman who reads my mail for insight. No more drunken, late night arguements about how movies suck because "Hollywood has jetisoned their morally bankrupt souls" because now there aint a morally bankrupt soul in THIS house. At least I didn't fuck someone I don't even know behind her garage. I do wish her good health dealing with her hepatitis. I wonder if she told him yet? Probably not.
Anyway, this soul has emerged like a phoenix from the ashes and what's behind me is not in front of me.
Let the good times roll, baby!

ACCEPTANCE.

a little haiku

Inhibitions rule

Behind the garage they were

The girl is leaving