big feet, little feet

I was wondering about how the whole world seems to going green, as if it's a new trend or something. Like, PC on steroids. Carbon footprints and how to make them smaller for the salvation of mankind on Earth, the preservation of coastline villas and the North Pole seems to be the talk of the town.

Al Gore, the godhead of the climate change movement, has a monthly electric bill that surpasses most third world countries GNP, demonstrating he has a demonstrably large carbon footprint. Your average Aqualung, homeless, jobless, soup-kitchen-refugee, by comparison, has an extremely tiny carbon footprint.

At first glance, it seems Al is one of the greatest greenhouse gas emitters in this hemisphere, stomping around the world like a giant, carbon Godzilla, slashing and burning his message of a clean environment while his private jet alone pollutes more than 10,000 Hummers in need of a tune-up. But Al has Carbon Credits in his back pocket, which allows him to pay for the excess greenhouse gases he generates, and that makes things all right.

Carbon credits create a market for reducing greenhouse emissions by giving a monetary value to the cost of polluting the air. This means that carbon becomes a cost of business and is seen like other inputs such as raw materials or labor. In other words, buying carbon credits is exactly like buying indulgences in the 16th century.

As Johann Tetzel, a Dominican friar selling indulgences, by order of The Vatican, in the 16th century once said, as he set up his shop in the local church, "I have here the passports... to lead the human soul to the celestial joys of Paradise." The fees were dirt cheap and if you bought one of these passports (credits) you were guaranteed a fast-track trip to Heaven.

So, with carbon credits, you can reduce your carbon footprint to that of an Aqualung and be able to burn Styrofoam and tires in your back yard and still be welcomed in any lecture hall, touting the need to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking so that the insurance rates don't go up on the beachfront property of your friends.

I see a business opportunity here....

For a mere $1,000 I will sell you one carbon credit witch will grant you the ability to dump the human waste of a family of 4 in the nearest stream AND burn your surplus car tires in your back yard for one year. In return, I will get 6 human beings (provided by Jenny Craig) to walk treadmills to produce electricity which I will sell back to the local power company and invest in green technology, like windmills.

Or would you rather buy a seat at Gods right hand? Al? Anyone?