it's time to drink

Mothers against drunk driving, or MADD, was instituted in 1980 by Candice Lightner as a result of the death of her child from a drunk driver.  She quit that organization a few years later when MADD's mission statement morphed from getting the drunk drivers off the road to the neo-prohibitionist atmosphere we have now.

Since then DUI check points are everywhere, beer excise taxes increased to match those of spirits, primary enforcement of seat belt laws were enacted in all states, a national traffic safety fund was developed, and the national minimum drinking age act was made into law with loss of federal highway dollars for states who didn't go along with this plan.  There's much more than these few points but you get the idea.  Alcohol = bad.

Up until the mid 80's, the real movers and shakers in congress were drunks.  Most of the deals made by lawmakers came from a democrat and a republican in a bar getting hammered on alcohol, tossing each other accolades.

"You're my buddy."  No, YOU'RE my buddy.  Barteener, another round of martoonies.  So, what's the deal on this supply side economics thing?"

Guys getting shitfaced and working out deals is as old as civilization.  A tried and true bonding ritual practised by every booze swilling club, corporation, and nation on Earth to grease the wheels of negotiation through lowered inhibitions in order to hammer out the best deal for all concerned.

The three martini lunch was more than a mid-day drunkards fest.  It was a necessary business tool used to spark creativity and unleash that brain-storming edge to propel your company to heights the sober minded could never imagine.

Every major player on the world stage had their drink of choice that set them apart from other nations and identified them as to who they were.
U.S.S.R. had vodka, England had whiskey, France had absinthe, Italy had wine, USA had bourbon, and Germany had beer as their national drinking treasure.  So powerful was the association of a nation to it's alcoholic beverage that a citizen's patriotism was measured by the amount they can consume of their nation's booze of choice.  French soldiers had absinthe as part of their rations, Stolichnaya is still the vodka high water mark, and Bavaria is the only place to go if you want the best beer on the planet.  Every American holiday has copious amounts of beer to go along with the hot-dogs, cheeseburgers, and potato salad as a permanent holiday staple.

The American love for beer can be credited to the Germans that settled in North America and set up breweries in the colonies to quench the thirst of hard working men.  It was in the taverns where beer and rum swilling patriots talked treason and hatched the plan to fight the whiskey drinking English and stick it to King George.  It's no mistake that the German cities of Frankfurt and Hamburg were respectfully chosen as the names of the two most identifiable foods on the American revolution holiday menu with lots of beer to wash it down.

America truly is a melting pot of the best booze the world has ever seen.  California and New York state produce wine almost as wonderful as the best European wines.  The Scots and Irish escaped Pittsburgh after the Whiskey Rebellion and took up shop in Tennessee and Kentucky to perfect sour mash whiskey and bourbon.  Schmidt's, Schaefer, Anheuser-Busch, Pabst.... need I say more?

Every executive, politician, and journalist had a bottle and two glasses in their desk drawer and some mixed bromo with scotch on particularly stressful days.  Every limo had a full bar and cocktails before dinner was an accepted reality.  Winston Churchill wouldn't get out of bed before his first glass of whiskey and a fresh cigar, Hemingway wrote, The Sun Also Rises, while he was half in the bag, and U.S. Grant was so shitfaced during the civil war he couldn't stop throwing up on his bugler.  And these guys got the job done.

Today, we have a population that's been conditioned to believe alcohol is evil in every way, shape, and form.  Get a DUI and you can look forward to not only losing your licence for a year but get random tests to make sure you're not drinking while in the comfort of your own home.  Jail time if your PO stops by and sees a beer in your fridge.

Meanwhile, the guys in congress who made these laws are going to the congressional gym, playing golf, drinking bottled water, and remain in total opposition with anyone on the other side of the isle and nothing gets done.  Compromise has been replaced with Machiavellian tactics like passing the bill to see what's in it.  Once everyone sees it and doesn't like it, it's too late cause that's what the law says and everyone is more pissed off than before and mistrust turns to blind stupidity and the walls get a little thicker.

We need to provide congress with the tools needed to turn this ship of state around before it's too late.  I propose we make it mandatory that all members of congress start drinking before roll call and continue drinking until they're off the clock.  For public safety, all members of congress will be picked up at their homes and transported to and from work by way of the congressional drunk bus, where there is always an open bar.  Seatbelts are mandatory and Homeland Security will mix the drinks.  Breathalysers will be stationed at the capital to maintain strict blood/alcohol levels under the watchful eye of capital police.

Yeah, I hear ya.  Dream on.

How did things get this way?  Did congress turn prohibitionist when we weren't looking?  Did the non-drinking Middle East nations have anything to do with this?  Hmmmm.....

Drinking is forbidden in the Middle East and those guys can't agree on anything.  Compromise isn't in the Middle Eastern dictionary.  For thousands of years, disputes were settled by prolonged periods of vocal outcry with intermittent gunshots and the occasional beheading, with no hope of resolution.  Tribal factions refused to see past their own petty problems, resulting in scattered pockets of bitching men whose only joy in life was watching their enemies bleed and the occasional clitoral mutilation.

In 1990, for the first time in combat history, Desert Shield foreign troops were forbidden alcohol as part of the deal to park their military equipment in the desert.  Could this practice of sobriety manage to get a foothold in American politics?

Today...

Drinking is forbidden in Congress and those guys can't agree on anything.  Compromise isn't in the Republican/Democrat dictionary.  For years, disputes were settled by prolonged periods of vocal outcry with intermittent gunshots and the occasional beheading, with no hope of resolution.  Tribal factions refused to see past their own petty problems, resulting in scattered pockets of bitching men whose only joy in life is watching their enemies bleed and the occasional clitoral mutilation.

MY GOD!  I think I'm on to something!