As if this isn't news. Anyone oblivious to the fact that corn fed beef full of antibiotics and bovine growth hormones isn't considered a health food is most likely oblivious by choice. People don't eat meat because it's healthy. People eat meat because it's delicious. The only reason early humans went out of their way to chase down wild, prehistoric animals that could kill them was because animals are so damn tasty.
Women stayed home and gathered berries and roots. Hunters went out to kill wild animals. That's the pre-human gastronomic and social foundation humanity is based on that continues to this day.
Since it's Wednesday, I went on a hunting expedition, braving the cold October rain, in search of mammal flesh. My instincts guided me to a farmer's market a few mountains away, which is known to have a healthy stock of persimmons. Armed with rain gear and cash I immediately located the only produce stand that bothered to acquire these tasty treats. Putting on my best poker face, I began negotiations with the woman behind the stand. "Are these things edible?", I asked. "These are", she said. "But you have to get the deeper orange color if you want to eat them today." She then handed me one and said to eat it like an apple. Of course, I probably know as much about persimmons as she did but no way will I turn down a free one. After a bite or two I asked her to pick out some good ones, since I lack the gathering skills of my species. I marvelled at the deft way she dug deep for the most colorful ones. I looked around and noticed only the women picked the best produce while the men stood back and watched with snake-eyed wonder. These men were meat hunters, not fruit pickers, and everyone knew it at an unconscious level. I got 9 persimmons for $4.50, and worth every penny.
The hunt for meat is on, and where better than a Mennonite stand in the back of building #1. Along the way, I was drawn to a vendor selling swards and axes. I have no need for another katana but I couldn't take my eyes off his selection of flash light/stun guns. He demonstrated how here it's a flash light, here it's a pulse beam, and here is 1,000,000 volts of electricity that will knock just about anyone on their ass. As if that wasn't enough, he had another one 2 foot long you could use as a club once you electrocute your victim. I said no thanks to that big mofo, since my tomahawk will suffice, but I got the smaller one for 15 bucks. Next stop, the Mennonites.
The rain brought little traffic and I was a bit dismayed that I wouldn't have the opportunity to use my new stun gun on those bothersome slow-pokes who always seem to be in front of me. Instead, I enjoyed being the only customer with the fortitude to brave the cold precipitation and feasted my eyes on the vast selection of cheeses and meats. The munster for 2 bucks a pound would go good with the apples back home so I got a couple lbs. But it was the smoked pork hocks that got my attention. Holy shit! $1.99/lb. The three supermarkets I recently visited had them for more than twice that. When asked I said, "Gimme a couple of those." I wasted no time in my selection. "This one here and that one over there. Not that one. The one under that. Yeah, baby, that's the one."
I talked to the guys behind the counter and asked if they heard about WHO's findings that meat is bad and causes cancer. They said they heard about it but not much more. They then said they raise their own beef and pigs and process them the same as they did for many generations. They use no preservatives or chemicals and they don't much care about what WHO thinks. I asked if they think meat prices might go down or that people would stop eating bacon. He just shook his head and said the prices might go down a bit but no one's going to stop eating pork. That's when I told them about my bacon tort.
These guys were just guys selling meat and meat by-products to strangers but when I told them in detail how I used two lbs of bacon, stuffed with sliced potatoes and cheese and baked this creation in the oven at 350 degrees for two hours, their meat merchant, Mennonite faces morphed into big smiles holding back excess saliva.
Let's face it. Bacon is to guys what chocolate is to girls.
Just an observation, but I tend to think WHO's findings about the dangers of pork and beef products are just one more step in the emasculation of European manhood, by trying to turn male hunters into shemale gatherers. Besides hunting beasts, men are also hard-wired to protect women. Turning men into girls removes Europe's last line of defence.
But... I could be wrong.
1 comment:
No wonder good protection is so hard to find these days....
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