liberal lessons

A simple guide on how to be a liberal. 


Step 1. Understand that you're far more intelligent than anybody else. There is no need to back up your arguments with any facts.

Step 2. Realize that there are no consequences for any of your actions in the real world. Legalize all drugs? Sure what could go wrong.

Step 3. Use the words homophobic and bigot as much as possible. Anyone that disagrees with you on hot topic issues like abortion or same sex marriage is obviously devoid of any humanity and should be killed. (even though you're against the death penalty of course)

Step 4. Know that anything bad that happens is Bush's fault. Or has something to do with republicans.

Step 5. Euphemisms are your friend. You're not pro abortion. That sounds terrible. You're pro choice. Again you're not for gay marriage you're for equal rights.

Step 6.  Remember that Obama is undoubtedly the best leader the world has ever seen. And anyone who doesn't agree is clearly a racist.

Step 7. Call people racist as much as possible.

Step 8. Know that People who hold any religious beliefs whatsoever are obviously mentally inferior.

Step 9. Never take responsibility or admit that anything is ever your fault. You're too important to worry about something like that. Just pass if off to the next guy and let him deal with it. Besides it was probably Bush's fault anyway. (see step 4)

Step 12. Be as progressive as possible.

Step 13. Win arguments with distractions or confusion. (see step 10)

Step 14. Show how open minded you are by telling other people how dumb their ideas are. 

Step 15. Get your political opinions from famous people in Hollywood. 

Step 16. Accuse people of hate speech and then proceed to tell them how much you hate them for it. Because it's ok to tell someone that hates someone else how much you hate them for hating other people.

Step 17. Win political debates by pointing out something as irrelevant to the conversation as bad grammar or slavery. (see step 7)

By following these simple steps you'll be able to call yourself a proud liberal in no time.

gourmet hoi polloi

If I did my regular shopping at Wegmans I'd certainly have less cash but a much improved gastric lifestyle.  Meat and potatoes are fine but my palate requires a little gourmet from time to time to keep me going and Wegmans exotic cheeses, breads, meats, and produce is usually enough to keep me happy... until I found the coffee section.

What I needed was basic Eight O'clock bean coffee but what I wanted was something to compliment the piave cheese, rosemary bread, and curry cauliflower salad.  The Sumatra bean coffee got my attention but it was the Guatemalan that I wanted.  With the Sumatra in one hand and the Guatemalan in the other I found it difficult to choose.  Both cost the same, which made me wonder if all this gourmet stuff came from the same coffee barrel with different labels.  I had no choice, now.  I had to get both and do a controlled study.

For two mornings I drank the Sumatra and was very impressed.  From first black cup to the last, this stuff was great!  The only bummer was the realization my standard Eight O'clock stuff was even more mundane than last week.  I mean, I could get used to this Sumatra with no problems at all, with a price tag twice as much as my regular morning joe.

I purposely tried the Sumatra first because I assumed the Guatemalan was the superior out of the two and I didn't want to be let down by drinking the best first.

This morning I felt let down.  The Guatemalan wasn't bad but it wasn't near as exceptional as the Sumatran and only marginally better than Eight O'clock.

My point in all this isn't to rate the difference in coffees but how I allowed my assumptions to over-ride my intuition.  Most sources and people in the know claim Guatemala produces the best coffee in the world and I assumed the information was correct.  I can only assume these same sources and people in the know are also the folks who claim Australia produces wine on a par with France or Italy in an attempt to convince pseudo wine enthusiasts to buy cases of Yellow Tail for their goose and fish soirées to distinguish themselves from the domestic wine swilling hoi polloi.

I learned a few things from this experiment.

1. Guatemalan coffee is over-rated.
2. Intuition is almost always correct.
3. Listen to all, believe none, and learn the truth for yourself.
4. Intuition is a good guide but you need to make mistakes to realize it.
5. The majority is always wrong.
6. Rum makes the worst coffee taste great.