karmasurfer

I just found out an old friend of mine is dying.  He's utilizing hospice where he lives and that means he's going to die.  No ifs ands or buts, he's going to die, cease to exist, expire, kick the bucket, go where no man has gone before.

It seems all my friends are ceasing to exist and it kinda bums me out.  I mean, why am I forced to be the survivor of everyone I know?  They're dropping like flies and I swore to all of them that I'll never go to their funeral because they have to go to mine first.  It seems fate cheated me out of dying before all my friends.  Ya know, those guys you told to bring the beer and the clowns to the funeral as a last gag before you get planted?  If all my friends die before I do I'll be left with an ordinary funeral full of ordinary mourners weeping to ordinary funeral music as they take me to an ordinary plot to be buried and forgotten in an unknown cemetery plot in an equally ordinary cemetery.

I want it known, right here and now, when I die I want my body cremated and the ashes dumped in the Susquehanna river.  No burial plot for me.  I want my essence in a planetary tributary whose waters touch all shores.  My estate will be converted to beer and clams to anyone who cares to show up and join the procession to the bridge where my ashes will be cast to the winds and water.  Clowns will be employed to remind everyone that life is just a big joke and plenty of beer on tap will neutralize any anxiety.  Drink and eat your fill and remember me fondly as you dump my ashes in the river. 

But I swear, on everything holy, if I find myself buried in a grave, I'll come back to haunt every one of you mother fuckers to insanity with every fibre of my spiritual being until you pray for death.  

Any questions?