release

I've always believed when you have things on your mind, that are not exactly part of your growth program, you tend to dwell on the details and fail to focus on the big picture. Your mind gets skewed into thinking these details are so important, so necessary in your life, that they fill your life and block out any forward progression.

Things like global warming, the economy, past relationships, emerging relationships, football, politics, current trends, employment, the fall season lineup, religion, same sex marriage, utility bills, mortgage, rent, and this years haircut are all details designed to distract us from the big picture and keep us stuck in a quagmire of crap until we actually believe all this stuff IS our life. It's like saying a cross country road trip is the equivalent of working overtime to make your car payments.

The map isn't the territory.

Six months ago I was making orgonite and piecing together the big picture in a blissful forward progression of unknown discoveries. To me, the details of life that everyone else seems so obsessed with were so far removed from reality that they didn't deserve any more of my attention than an offhand comment or observation. By distancing myself from these details of life, I was able to see from a different perspective. Life was funny and full of secrets and these little secrets were emerging like the Wizard of Oz pulling back the curtain, millimeter by millimeter. I was on the path, merging with the universe and my forward progression was unblocked. I was as happy as I could be, under the circumstances.

Then, out from left field came the negative emotions. All of a sudden I was waist deep in emotional baggage that led me to emotional fights over such stupid details as politics, relationships, mis-communications, football, and petty tit-for-tat paybacks laced with mental disorders. This must be some level of hell Dante couldn't put his finger on.

The menu isn't the meal.

Then it came to me... Just release. Let go. Let it be. Like sands through the hourglass, all we are is dust in the wind, dude.
I let go, alright. I released my aspirations, my hopes, my dreams, my past relationships, my future relationships, my bills... I just let go of all the detritus that was holding me back and I could feel the Earth tethers unwind from my feet and I began to soar.

I went to work the next day to find I was the only one who got a quarterly bonus. I also got a merit increase in pay. As I was pondering this synchronicity, and how it coincided with my recent release, a new orgonite enhancement for my PVC CB entered my head in a fit of cosmic inspiration and I could feel the energy of universal love coursing through my whole nervous system.

Then it hit me... The reason I haven't been making orgonite is because of my negative emotions surrounding all these mundane details. I was actually repelled by my own orgonite, and now that I've become unblocked, I've become re-imbued with a vengeance.

Looks like I'll be busy the next couple of days. I'll keep ya posted.

communication

"Listening is not merely not talking, though even that is beyond most of our powers; it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us."
-Alice Deur Miller

dick in a box

Saturday Night Live - Dick in a Box (Uncensored)

the donor party

five easy pieces - diner scene

murder or suicide. your choice

an open letter to the ex club

Eowyn, if I didn't know any better I'd say you knew all about love and relationships. Your blog is teeming with advice like compromise, listening to the other persons needs, both working to make it work, etc. I completely agree with you that a couple needs to communicate and strive to understand each other and compromise on issues in order to resolve them.

We never had any problems during the daylight hours. In fact, you were a joy to be with. Your eyes sparkled when I talked to you and I was comfortable with you as my best friend. My days off consisted of us driving to the flea market or having sushi for lunch or any simple adventure from checking out farmers markets, gathering supplies for a new project, or hanging around the homestead working in the yard. Since you weren't working, you would bring me lunch and we would share a few moments in the middle of the day and each morning you kissed me goodbye as I left for work. You had it made. I paid the bills, bought food, and kept you in rum and tobacco. All you had to do was buy a supply once in awhile and give me a few bucks when you felt like it. I put a roof over your head, because you were about to lose yours, and even paid your car insurance.

But night time was the problem. Around 4pm you would start your daily ritual of coffee and rum and by 9pm you stopped using coffee altogether, preferring straight rum by the cupful. I used to be alarmed as I sat downstairs and heard loud crashes telegraphing though the house when you fell off your chair in a drunken stupor. You never seemed to hurt yourself, so I learned to stop worrying. When you finally drank enough, you'd wander into the bedroom and demand food that usually consisted of something I made for dinner hours ago that you never ate because you don't have an appetite when you drink, which was every, single, day. I tried to tell you how anyone who drinks the way you do without eating is going to die. I reminded you, as did your doctor, how your liver can't handle this kind of abuse and booze and hepatitis don't mix. I also reminded you that your nightly, drunken, insane, obnoxious rants about how you hate movies because they aren't real and how Hollywood has lost their soul due to a total lack of morality and how you hate James Taylor because he broke up with Carly Simon and therefore, you refuse to listen to any of his music or watch any films he's in. Drunk girls can be fun if you pick them up on a Saturday night but the same drunken scene, every, single night of the year is overkill and nothing kills romance more than an obnoxious drunk with hepatitis. Although you were still my best friend, the alcohol and the late night fights made the love go away and I told you a long time ago, once it's gone, it's gone for good. But you would NOT compromise on your rum consumption. Say bye bye love.

I tried to compromise by suggesting we drink red wine instead of rum but you wouldn't go for that. I tried to get you to drink sensibly but that never lasted. You're own children tried to make you see what you were doing to yourself and they gave up in disgust. After more than enough late night fights passed I told you we can't live in the same house anymore and I offered to pay your first months rent, the security deposit and I'll even pay for the moving company. All you had to do was find a new place to live. You refused. You had your heels dug in and you weren't going anywhere. I made this offer dozens of times in the past couple years and I still have the check I made out to you for $2,000 just to leave.

All the time this was going on, everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Love and kisses, sunshine and roses, and not a worry in the world. Your facade masked our reality from everyone, which made you look all the more sleazy when everyone found out you and Dave, who you met just hours before, fornicated behind my garage in the pre-dawn hours of July 5th. It wasn't an act of drunken abandon because the liquor ran out hours ago, and before you fucked him you checked the house to make sure no one was awake. Well, I was awake and saw the whole thing and if I didn't say anything you'd still be here, pretending everything is just peachy keen.

My question to you is, if you wanted to leave so bad, why didn't you take me up on my offer and leave sooner? It can't possibly be because you fell in love with Dave. He was clearly a one night stand. He didn't even have a place where you could bang him while I was at work. I was watching him at the party smoking all your cigarettes when you weren't paying attention. He was hitting on at least two other women before he hit on you, but you were the only one to take him up on it. Does Dave love you? Sure, like a glutton loves his lunch. Just like I was your meal ticket, you're his meal ticket and he'll say anything you want to hear and you'll keep up the facade. Yeah, sounds like love to me.

The real question is... What woman wants a guy who hits on another guys girlfriend? What guy wants a woman who fucks someone she doesn't know on her boyfriends lawn while he's in the house? Apparently, each other. That's why you moved out of my house and in with him. Because no one else wants either of you. That, and extreme shame.

And I'm the bad guy. I'm the one with anger issues. I'm the one who made your life so miserable. The reality is I showed remarkable restraint, under the circumstances. Anyone else would've shot you both before you pulled up your pants.

Ya know, I would have preferred you came to me that night and say, "I wanna fuck this guy." At least I would have had a little respect for you.

Angelzwild... What a piece of work. You've been waiting in the wings for Eowyn to leave so you can step right in. You managed to convince me that your past irrational behavior was all because of drugs and since you are off the drugs you're as normal as apple pie. All it took to convince me otherwise was a phone call while we were on IM. The attack you fired at me through email, IM, and phone calls were enough to make me realize it wasn't the drugs... it was YOU. You're just a very fucked up individual who gets her jollies by making crude comments about me on my own blog and glorifying Eowyn for escaping my psychic vampirism and actually make it sound justifiable and rational to fuck a homeless, dirtbag, crack head as the only means of escape. You send the most vile crap to me in every email address you know, only to call up five minutes later and apologize and do it again while you're still talking and telling me your sorry. And you tell me you do this because I didn't send you a "thank you" for some link you emailed me. A half hour after you slam me in a comment, you call to tell me you and two of your friends are coming up to spend the week at my place and I should be happy about that. AS IF! You can't be trusted, you're insincere, you turn on people you call your friends and then wonder why no one likes you. It's a good thing you're agoraphobic and a woman because if you were a man you'd be either in prison or six feet under. Hell, I know at least four woman who would like nothing more than to drive to your house and beat you bloody for being such a vile trouble maker, and they never even met you. From day 1 you never believed one, single thing I ever told you. You believe everyone else, no matter what they say. If Eowyn tells you something about me it's the truth and you act on it. Eowyn is a lot smarter than you are and you're too stupid to realize you're being played. FOOL!

If I have any anger issues it's only with these two pathetic losers who wouldn't know love if it slapped them in the face. One needs love so bad she'll settle for anything. The other is so particular she'll never settle for anything.

Well, I have my freedom and there's many more women out there looking for relationships than guys and I'm not afraid of dying alone, as Angelzwild is so fond of reminding everyone. But these two girls are scared shitless of dying alone, and they have my deepest sympathies.

Now, let's put these dogs to rest.

rita says...

Rita says bite me!

tobacco

I've been ignoring the garden since my lawnmower went on the fritz several weeks ago. I figured the garden would have to wait, since my yard was turning into a hay field. I can't speak for the rest of the country, but there aint no sign of drought here. More rain than I ever saw in August and I only watered the garden once this year.

Anyway... I fixed the mower and went on to fixing the garden, only to find the Turkish tobacco plants were already flowering. This is my first attempt at growing tobacco so each step is a learning process. I figured, if Al Gore can do it, I can do it.

Note the difference between the flowering Turkish tobacco and the Virginia bright to the left. I wasn't expecting such a radical difference.

One thing I learned is I could have doubled the amount of plants if I had planted them in rows instead of using square foot gardening methods. Oh well, I'm new at this. No one is an expert, at first.


Shortly after taking these pictures I broke off the flowers to force growth to the leaves. I don't know what to make of the Virginia bright. I mean, they look bright enough to me, but I was expecting a flower stalk by now. No bother... I'll harvest whether they flower or not.


I wonder if those leaves will make good cigars?

fool the guesser

Every county fair has a guesser. You give the guy some money and he guesses your weight, age, etc. If you fool the guesser you get a teddy bear or some such prize substantially lower in value to the amount of money you put up. It's a good racket and everyone goes away a winner.

I wonder how many of you can guess this woman's weight? Any takers? I'll bet a dollar and a fuzzy thing on the end of a stick you can't guess.

If I was the guesser I'd have to physically pick her up and maybe check her fat to muscle ratio using my index finger and thumb in a couple dozen places.

Seriously, according to the AMA, this girl is considered grossly overweight and should immediately be put on a vegan diet and force fed drugs to bring her to the desired Barbi height/weight ratio.

Well, as we all know, Barbi is plastic with an empty head and has caused a lot of damage to female self esteem for 50 years, resulting in neurosis on a massive scale.

Any takers on guessing her weight?

I'll give you a hint... she's 5'6"

global health care

If you don't know how to fix something, all you need to do is study something similar that is working and try to duplicate it as best you can. As long as you have a model, you can reverse engineer and duplicate it with relative ease.

I'm no economist, thank God, but I think our present health care system is like an old Chevy you used for car pooling for the past 40 years without bothering to give it any maintenance. It worked fine back in '69 but now you have to pump up the tires, add a few quarts of oil, and jump start it every morning before you to get to the gas station for another tank of gas to get you to work. Your car pool buddies give you a couple dollars a week for gas, as they have done for decades, and stare blankly out the windows as this piece of crap smokes and sputters it's way through red lights and stop signs to your employment destination. You keep the windows down for this journey because the exhaust leaks through the floorboards. The carbon monoxide and heavy gasoline vapor from unburned fumes fills the cab, brings tears to your eyes, and deadens your senses at a time when you need to be your sharpest. This carbon monoxide/gasoline vapor bath lasts for an hour each morning and evening, draining your life force for two hours a day, five days a week, for your whole working life.

You're not the only car filled with people going to work. Each morning you notice the Germans in their Mercedes limousine blowing your doors off, going 90mph to the same place as you. It takes them about ten minutes each way with climate controlled comfort, an on-board espresso maker, and freshly ironed newspapers printed early that morning and delivered by courier to the limo just before departure.
The French workers get picked up in a Citroen Premier, the English get transport with their Jaguar XJ, and every other car pool has their national vehicle of choice.

Each year, the Mercedes undergoes a complete overhaul by certified Mercedes technicians, replacing and updating all parts that aren't up to their demanding standards. This complete overhaul takes exactly 24 days, usually in August. Periodic maintenance takes place every day, checking the fluids and all systems and lasts about an hour. The French have 30 days each year to perform their annual overhaul with unlimited periodic maintenance, whenever needed. The English have a mere 20 days a year to maintain their Jaguar XJ but periodic maintenance is consistent.
The 40 year old American Chevy has 12 days a year to perform this annual maintenance but the mechanics (as opposed to technicians) have just enough time to give it a general tune-up and change the oil at Quickie Lube before they outsource it to a gentleman from Pakistan for his taxi business.

The health care system is just like this car scenario. German vacation time is a guaranteed 24 days a year paid vacation, the English get 20 days paid leave, the French get a whopping 30 days guaranteed paid vacation a year, unlimited sick days, full child care, and social workers who come to help new parents adjust to the strains and challenges of child-rearing.

Americans get, on average, 12 vacation days a year. In most cases, they don't even get that unless they work full time for at least 90 days. Some places require one year working for your present company before you're entitled to a weeks vacation, if any at all.
If you go to Germany any time in August you won't find many Germans. Why? Because they're all on vacation in places like Thailand, India, The U.S., Italy, Spain, and anywhere else because they have a whole month paid vacation no matter how long you work for that particular company.

Where do Americans go for vacation?

The shore closest to their homes so they can drive out, get a tan, party at night, and drive back to their jobs, tired, hungover, and sunburned.

What does all this vacation talk have to do with health care? Isn't it obvious? You beat yourselves up at work to have a vacation that stresses you out because of time and money restraints, just to go back the the same old, same old for another year. If you're lucky, you might have sick time to take care of yourself. Take off too much time and you'll lose your job. No pay, no vacations, lots of unpaid bills, and no health insurance.

Depression due to prolonged stress and a diet of fast food is no way to go through life, but to many Americans, that's exactly what life is all about.

After all, how do you expect to become wealthy if you don't work long hours with three jobs shoveling shit in hell for minimum wage? That IS the American way. This is the land of opportunity where anyone can strike it rich and become a millionaire just by waking up early and putting your shoulder to the grindstone for eight hours a day with a half-hour lunch and 2 ten minute breaks so you can discuss stock options with your workmates.

Isn't that the American way to prosperity and happiness?
Or would you rather have health care like the rest of the free world?

OMG! What a crappy post!

I was in such a hurry to get this done I totally missed my own point and it makes me look like a Chevy hating, foreign car buying, supporter of Obama's putrid health care plan.

Let me clarify a few things.

1. I chose a 40 year old Chevy because it stretches the bounds of reality to expect anyone to believe that a Ford can last any more than 20 years. Chevy is the only American car that can put up with that kind of abuse.

2. I was ranting about vacations and how a month of vacations a year can keep you more healthy than the best health care on Earth. In fact, vacations are the ultimate health care. Just ask those old fossils in congress. Most are octogenarians who have a vacation that lasts 9 months out of the year and they still have an active sex life screwing the American public every day.

3. The present American economic system makes any kind of universal health care virtually impossible. Insurance companies are deeply embedded in the system and aren't going to give up anything. Expecting the government to pay medical expenses for non-working, indigent, useless eaters ultimately comes out of the pockets of working people who are already overburdened with higher taxes, higher insurance costs, higher costs for everything, shitty jobs with shitty pay, and no end in sight of this socialist downward spiral of Wall St. greed with the blessing of an ass-licking congress. Uncle Sam's only job is taking your money and giving it to someone else, less expenses. Every dime you get from Uncle Sam costs some other guy a dollar.

4. If you want a health care model that works, look to countries that have a good working model and see what they've done and what their people think about it.

5. If you're unwilling to completely gut your whole, broken, economic system for the good of mankind, then don't do anything.

6. Pay for your own health care and quit complaining. If you want a free ride learn English and get a job on Wall St.

7. I think Barry Obama and his health care plan sucks!

8. I drive my own car to work.

Once In A Lifetime

Time isn't holding us. Time isn't after us.
That's all i need to know.

cops gone wild

it's watermelon time

When I saw all those dead watermelon vines, all I could think was green watermelon. Sure, green watermelon has it's place but not in this house. So, I set it on the counter and thought about who to give it to.

In the meantime, I needed bread for tomorrow so I made a few loaves of onion/rosemary bread. Not to sound too egotistical, my bread is the best, and packing a loaf of this food of the gods with ham, salami, cucumbers, and mayo is a gastronomical slice of heaven that would make Escoffier cry with joy with a single bite.

The bread was excellent but I kept eye balling that pitiful excuse for a watermelon on my counter. I figured if it was going to go, I may as well take a peek inside.

Let me tell ya, this scarlet morsel tastes just as wonderful as it looks.

As I was taking hits from a chunk of bread and then a watermelon slice it dawned on me...
The best things in life are the simple ones, where we don't expect much but are wondrously overjoyed when a harsh exterior holds something so sweet and delicious.


Just like some people we know.

extreme stunt landing

I thought this was interesting.

Okinawa Churaumi Aquarium by Jon Rawlinson

weeding the garden

If you have anything to do with gardening, you can relate to the never ending weeding that it requires. Given the chance, weeds will over populate the garden and subdue anything you really want to grow. Left unchecked, this crabgrass, myrtle, and lambs quarters will entrench themselves into every corner of the garden until all that's left is noxious weeds that even the bugs won't eat. Say bye bye to your tomatoes and rhubarb and hello to poison ivy.

Your life is just like a garden. Given the space, you can grow and flourish and produce enough to feed a small army. As your arms reach to the cosmos in a balanced symphony of photosynthesis and Earth nutrients, you can't help but evolve to a state of total spiritual perfection.

And then the weeds set in...

By weeds, I mean the parasitic detritus in your life. Those useless eaters who feed off your soul like fleas feed on a dog. You can pull them out but leave their head under your skin and they come back with a vengeance. It's like an old, psychotic girl friend who "accidentally" leaves her hairbrush or ear rings as a reason to come back because she just hasn't sucked enough of your life force and, just like Dracula's daughter, she needs to feed from time to time. You might think an old girl friend won't be that bad but think again... She's not an EX- girl friend for nothing. There was a major reason why you got rid of her in the past, and just like a weed, the genetic structure doesn't change. It doesn't matter how much time passes... a toxic plant like poison ivy will never become a blueberry bush. If she was psychotic then, and you know she wasn't undergoing therapy, the chances are really good she's psychotic now and she's hungrier than ever.

One look in my garden and I immediately saw the connection between dead-weight people and weeds. They both suck you dry. They both use vital nutrients needed for your survival. They both over-stay their welcome. They both increase entropy. Look at what happens to your pepper plants if left untended. First the weeds creep in, followed closely by insect life and vermin, feeding off all the hard work you put into maintaining this little plot of land. The weeds could represent the unemployed drifters you allowed into your space. The next time they come around they bring some insects, i.e., felons, low-life's, reprobates, and degenerates, who feed off the contents of your refrigerator, pantry, and liquor supply like potato bugs on an eggplant. If left untended, the vermin show up with a squad car because one of the insects rolled over on you to keep from going to the bug house. And the financial loss is nothing compared to the spiritual stifling.

The first thing to do to prevent this infestation is to identify the weeds from the productive plants. It's pretty easy to spot, sometimes. The productive plants produce SOMETHING. The weeds just multiply and get in the way and wait for the bugs and vermin.

The second thing to do is get rid of them! Go through your life, as you would through a garden, and yank these parasites up by the roots and discard them to the compost heap.

Make a list of rules.
1. No sleepovers unless the host taps you on the shoulder.
2. Bring something besides yourselves.
3. Bring your own tobacco. There's a store 2 miles down the road. Walk if you have to.
4. Bring a vehicle to take you home.
5. If the booze runs out it's your fault. Get some more or do without.

These rules can be added to when situations present themselves but think twice about deleting any.


Just because you like honey is no reason to stick your head in the bees nest.

tuesday morning 6am

I love early summer mornings. The dew on the grass, the predawn light, the freshness of a day yet to be polluted by machines.

I took a stroll through the veggie garden this morning to see how the fruits of my labor are coming along. Already I pulled a dozen zucchinis, as long as my arm, out of the garden, as well as tons of cucumbers. The tomatoes are just about ready for green frying and the watermelon is right on schedule. I have to admit I only fed these plants once this year and allowed mother nature to provide the rest. I do believe the cloudbuster, as the centerpiece of this project, has much to do with that.

It seems I need to pay attention to the weeds a little more.

Not bad for a garden that's been on auto pilot for the last 2 months.

I wonder how orgone will affect tobacco plants?

I need a new group of friends

I noticed some of these friends of mine tend to over-stay their welcomes. I'm not talking about someone who leaves just as you're going to bed, or someone who stays the night to sleep it off rather than try to drive home. I'm talking about a group of people who think it's acceptable behavior to not only spend the night but drink all your liquor, eat all your food, smoke all your tobacco, pass out in your favorite chair, and wake up late morning so they can sit around all day doing absolutely nothing but be in the way and complain because you ran out of food, liquor, and tobacco. One guy goes so far as to take the clock off the wall and disable it because the tick, tick, tick bothers him. Who cares if the owner of the house needs to see what time it is so he can get to work on time. Work? What's that? These moochers don't have to be anywhere at any time so they may as well plant their lazy asses in your living room or kitchen or spare bedroom because they don't have homes of their own. It would justify it a little if they'd do something constructive like clean up after themselves but all they seem capable of doing is dumping ashtrays in the garbage, sometimes setting the can on fire, with the occasional sound of breaking glass in the background. I was irritated when these parasites stayed after a party til 3 the next afternoon but I saw red when I came home at 6:30 the day after a party to see these leeches camped out in my place without the slightest thought of leaving. These are the same people who think it's perfectly ok to take a handful of cigarettes when they finally DO leave, as some kind of past party favor or something. I mean, when you see a guy sleeping on the sofa at 4am and see the very same guy still sleeping on this sofa at 6pm the next day and a girl walks up to you and says, "What's the matter? I just woke up." and the back yard is filled with these penniless deadbeats surrounded by empty bottles and cans and the thought never crosses anyone's mind to try cleaning up the sticky stuff all over the kitchen floor, you start getting the feeling you're being taken for granted. The kicker is these two assholes who come to visit (late night, of course) and can't seem to get up in the morning no matter how many shotgun rounds you fire under their bedroom window. I need to get to work so I leave a note that says, "Good morning. Help yourself to coffee and lock the door when you leave.", meaning drink your coffee and leave. I get back at 6:30 that night to find my door unlocked, my food eaten, and a note that says something about my alarm clock with a spent shotgun shell next to it, telling me they woke up but didn't feel like getting up. I later discovered they spent the day surfing on my computer, eating my food, and left the door unlocked so they could get back inside after going shopping. None of these people bring anything to the parties. I don't mind supplying a gallon of rum or a few cases of beer but these slugs can drain that in an hour and then drink the last of your wine collection and still mooch cigarettes because they forgot to bring their own and then they accidentally wear your favorite sunglasses home when they finally do leave.

If you happen to be one of these "friends," do me a favor and go someplace else from now on. That is, if you can afford the internet connection.

15 days

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. The five stages of grief, i.e., denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, was described as a process that people go through when death is imminent. The end of a relationship is as devastating as the death of a close family member, therefor, the five stages of grief hold true when a relationship has ended.

Fifteen days ago, through a bizarre set of circumstances, my live-in girlfriend of three years packed her bags and left. Abrupt and final. The absolute death of a relationship as quick as a car accident with no possibility of reversal. The relationship may have been ill but it didn't go terminal until July 5, 2009, and one day later the plug was pulled, ceasing all life support.

I suppose I was in denial when it first happened. "I don't believe this. This can't be for real."
When it happened I had a semi-clear head and a distinct adrenalin rush that lasted all day, even though I woke up at 6am that morning and spent the day and night drinking with friends for the 4th. I wasn't angry but I was hurt. If you're hurt bad enough in a car accident you go into shock. Your mind becomes separated and distant and everything is disconnected. Your mind won't accept what happened and that's pretty much how I felt. Definitely, denial had reared its ugly head.

A few days later, as I was burning some leftover detritus she left behind, I suddenly became angry. I mean I was pissed off about how this woman, who caused so much hurt, was getting away so easily. That was only a small reason and the only reason I could rationalize as to why I was so angry. I then realized I was angry in a general sort of way and I was looking for reasons for my extreme emotional swing. Anger without a clear reason is frustrating and that made me even more pissed off. At least I wasn't depressed. That would be much worse.

A couple days later I was thinking of reasons why it all went down and the seriously crazy, life-altering, mega stupid decisions she made that put her in a situation that will mind-fuck her for the rest of her life, living with a dead-beat dad she doesn't even know who has no job, no car, no money, no education, and no prospects. She must have planned this, I thought. She must have been drunk and didn't know what she was doing. He must have seduced her by faking sensitivity and she gave in because he showed her he cared. WRONG! It wasn't planned and she wasn't that drunk. It was premeditated. I got through bargaining.

Depression hit this week. This is the one the almost dead dread. As I sat outside, watching the clouds drift by, I thought about things. It was hard to talk to people, but I did. I wasn't my jovial self. I was more quiet, slow, and thoughtful and ..... depressed. I was soooo down. No real reason for it but I recognized the symptoms. Not wanting to talk and didn't care to get cheered up. I was quieter and just didn't care about life, the universe, or anything. And then it hit me........... DEPRESSION! Yeah, baby! Only one more step to go and WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Acceptance is easy! Bring it on, baby! Get that depression going and let the healing begin. I'm not dead. Hell, man, my life has made a giant turn for the better and I aint lookin back. Gone are the days of "psychic flashes" from this woman who reads my mail for insight. No more drunken, late night arguements about how movies suck because "Hollywood has jetisoned their morally bankrupt souls" because now there aint a morally bankrupt soul in THIS house. At least I didn't fuck someone I don't even know behind her garage. I do wish her good health dealing with her hepatitis. I wonder if she told him yet? Probably not.
Anyway, this soul has emerged like a phoenix from the ashes and what's behind me is not in front of me.
Let the good times roll, baby!

ACCEPTANCE.