Saturday, March 31, 2007

Love is in the air

It was a spring day like every other. Cool morning, limited sunshine, and me in the throws of spring fever. In short, a blah day. Then I got this in my mail and laughed my ass off.
Thanks Rita. You happily give predictable a bloody nose.

Friday, March 30, 2007

rappin rove

Watching this is like watching your parents disco dancing in front of your friends.
How embarrassing. To think this man is the man behind the prez. Oh, the humanity... It's like this unwilling, voyeuristic glimpse into the abyss. You can't take your eyes off this, but it hurts.

This is like watching your grandparents have sex.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

rage against the machine

To a coffee drinker, life is nonexistent when you wake up to a dead coffee machine. Life gets fucked up when you can't have your morning coffee. You start off with 2 left feet, one eye and half a brain. As Bob Richards says, what a way to start the day. It only takes a couple hours before the caffeine deprived headaches begin and it's downhill from there.
The point is, I want my caffeine now, the way I want it, ie, to taste good and give me a decent rush of adrenaline to propel me through the days events.
That didn't happen this morning. Mr. Fuckin Coffee took a dump right on my coffee nook before the first cup of cold sludge came oozing out. By nine o'clock I not only realized I forgot my socks but my shoes were on the wrong feet and my underwear was on the outside. How embarrassing. Does this ever happen to you?

I saw the light was on in Mr. Coffee but obviously, no one was home. I begged and pleaded with this infernal machine to do something. Please, just one cup. Comeonnnnnnn.......
JUST ONE FUCKIN CUP, DAMN YOU! I Knew it was hopeless. Pleading with a coffee maker is below pity. I then looked it straight in the carafe and said, "Look. Work properly or you will end up in the meadow with the rest of your planned obsolescing ilk."

After work I went out and got myself a brand new Hamilton Beech carafe-free coffee machine. What a cool piece of machinery! And what a great buzz! What a fuckin great buzz, pardon my french. What was I thinking, buying all those carafe-leaking, coffee-dribbling, essence-leaking pieces of Mr. Fuckin Coffee crap. I, too, was sucked into thinking I needed the originator of easy coffee making machines to make my life more pleasently easy. I admit, I was wrong. Mr. Coffee sucks. All their carafes leak, the coffee leaks out of the bottom, it tastes like shit, and they live on Joltin Joe's commercials, and he's been dead for years.

The bottom line is, all things manufactured now days is shit and will all end up in a landfill within a few years of purchase.

That's why I decided to have a party at my place as soon as it gets warm. Bring your coffee makers that took a dump, as well as other appliances that no longer serve your best interests, such as VCR's, cell phones, electric toothbrushes, computer monitors, electric shavers, alarm clocks, DVD players, computers... you get the picture.
Bring em all and we'll let you rage against the machines with your weapon of choice. You have your choice of calibres, shotgun gauges, black powder, thermite. Yes, we'll have thermite and we'll blow the shit out of all this stuff.


To be announced. Be there.

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Big Lebowski in 5 seconds

The title says it all.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Friday, March 09, 2007

The Presidential Lottery

There's talk of getting a new U.S. president soon. Hilary is getting ready to make a fool of herself and every other potential candidate is chomping at the bit. All will say they are the best for the country, they represent your interests, and you should vote for them in November. This next presidential election will be a colorfully, monochromatic one for sure. Obama is white on the inside and black on the outside and Hilary is white on the outside and black on the inside. Giuliani, Richardson, Edwards, McCain, Romney, Biden........It's so confusing. It's selling toothpaste. Crest? Pepsodent? Preparation H?

First of all, anyone who wants to be president so bad that they'd kiss a million unwashed asses, live on a bus for a year, spend a fortune prostituting themselves to the highest bidder, and pretend they enjoy dropping their pants and exposing their genetically deformed, disease-ridden testicles to this endless ocean of slack-jawed voting rabble, like some demented used care salesman on an evangelistic, bad acid trip road show, is exactly the person you DON'T want in that position. The end result isn't getting the best man for the job but getting the lesser of two evils. We no longer vote for the best candidate but to keep that other waste of semen out. Ya call that democracy?

I have a better idea.

Let's do away with this system and start up a presidential lottery. Each district draws a slip of paper representing every voter in that district. One paper has a black dot on it. That's the candidate. All the districts then submit their black dots for the state drawing, where a state champion is chosen. On election night they can have all 50 state lottery winners assembled in one place for the presidential lottery, where one person is filtered from the whole country to represent the nation as The President.

Hilary and Obama will co-host the show. They can have witty banter like, "Obama, you misinformed negro" and "Hilary, you ignorant slut." They can have awe-inspiring acts like the Osmond and Brady Bunch Jello wrestling extravaganza and Billy Greenbush could sing God Bless America while all the living former presidents can take turns doing stand up comedy. Networks will scramble for this. The ad revenue alone will be enough to balance the budget. A 50 share rating, at least.

Of course, at each step the winner could always step down and allow a re-drawing, allowing someone else to take his place for the district or state. No one's going to force you to be president. After all, this a democracy of the people, by the people and for the people... or did I get that part wrong on my history test?

Isn't that what democracy is in it's purist form? Isn't democracy what we sell to the world as the best system on Earth? Isn't it about time we walk the walk instead of getting the same career politicians, election after election, doing the same insane things in the same insane way expecting different insane results with nothing to show for the effort but higher taxes, longer work hours, less pay, and more governmental intrusion?

Before you completely put this idea down maybe you should think back to all the insane ideas our past presidents came up with and how you said if you were in that position you'd do things differently. Well, here's your chance.

Monday, March 05, 2007

If this were anyone else I'd be concerned

'Well, what?' I said, smecking. 'Are you not satisfied with beating me near to death and having me spat upon and making me confess to crimes for hours on end and then shoving me among bezoomies and vonny perverts in that grahzny cell? Have you some new torture for me, you bratchny?'
It'll be your own torture,' he said, serious. 'I hope it tortures you to madness.'
And then, before he told me, I knew what it was. The old ptitsa who had all the kots and koshkas had passed on to a better world in one of the city hospitals. I'd cracked her a bit too hard, like.