Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Is there nothing sacred?

If there's one thing I can't stand is yo momma jokes. How anyone can denigrate someone else's mother, that icon of womanhood, that beacon of care and compassion, that bastion of comfort and saintliness. It sickens me to hear such insults to the sanctified state of motherhood.

Here's 21 of them.

1. Yo momma's so fat she's on both sides of the family.
2. Yo momma's so fat the only thing attracted to her is gravity.
3. Yo momma's so fat she has to iron her pants in the driveway.
4. Yo momma's so fat when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.
5. Yo momma's so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell.
6. Yo momma's so fat every time she walks in high heels she strikes oil.
7. Yo momma's so fat when she goes to the zoo elephants throw her peanuts.
8. Yo momma's so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet they have to install speed bumps.
9. Yo momma's so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
10. Yo momma's so fat she influences the tides.
11. Yo momma's so fat she has shock absorbers on her toilet seat.
12. Yo momma's so fat I had to ride a bus and 2 trains to get on her good side.
13. Yo momma's so fat she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
15. Yo momma's so fat her belt size is equator.
16. Yo momma's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks.
17. Yo momma's so stupid when she hears it's chilly outside she gets a bowl.
18. Yo momma's so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
19. Yo momma's so ugly the beautician took 12 hrs... for a quote.
20. Yo momma's so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
21. Yo momma's so ugly Bigfoot took her picture.

Monday, August 27, 2007

fuckin off from the 17th century

"Leisure is the mother of Philosophy."

-Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)

Friday, August 24, 2007

this explains a lot.

"There is a Law of Reversed Effort. The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we shall succeed. Proficiency and the results of proficiency come only to those who have learned the paradoxical art of doing and not doing, or combining relaxation with activity, of letting go as a person in order that the immanent and transcendent Unknown Quantity may take hold. We cannot make ourselves understand; the most we can do is to foster a state of mind, in which understanding may come to us."

-Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Sunday, August 19, 2007

just pissin around

For those of you who take your micturating seriously, check out the urinals in the Peninsula Hotel in Hong Kong.

After seeing I made up my mind to install a urinal of my own.

f*cking off. all that's missing is u.


When it comes to work, I tend to kick ass and get jobs done as fast as I can so I can have more free time at the end of the day for the important things. I used to think this was a sign of a good work ethic and it gave me a sense of pride that I was capable of performing difficult tasks by choreographing moves and cutting corners. I now realize the only reason I became so efficient at multi-tasking and preplanning was so I would have a larger block of time at the end of the day for the sole purpose of fucking off. I love my fuck-off time. It's my reason for living and my driving force as a human being. Admit it... we all fuck off at work. Some like to fuck off all day on a simple project that can be completed in an hour while some, like me, like to get it over and done with so it doesn't cut into fuck-off time at the end of the day.

In any given corporation you'll find the biggest fuck offs at the top of the food chain. These are the guys so practiced at multi-tasking, self discipline, efficiency, and getting other people to do their work that they appear to be the perfect corporate drones, capable of toiling 100 hours a week for the company's bottom line. The truth is, 90% of those 100 hours are spent talking with people on the phone, emailing friends, bullshitting, going on business trips with their golf clubs, doodling at their desks, and walking around with a clipboard filled with sketches of their new swimming pool complete with scantily clad girls. In general, fucking off.

Some people tend to lack imagination, so they fuck off when they can by talking and joking with other bottom feeders as they slowly and methodically plod along doing the simple tasks assigned to them by the slightly more imaginative company fuck-off bosses, who see this low gear work ethic as not only a company drain but cutting into their own fuck-off time and are systematically replaced by lower paid bottom feeder fuckoffs.

I realize this subject is too involved to fully examine in this format. I may have to put together a whole page just on fucking off. Stay tuned. I'll let you know when I'm done fuckin around with it.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

little feet prints

Greenhouse gases, carbon footprints, global warming, and the latest term, planet change, just to cover their bases, are the planetary buzzwords du jour. What a load of crap. It used to be funny listening to these tofu-eating, owl-worshiping, vegan whores of sensibility prattle on about the righteousness of Sheryl "Two-squares" Crow, Al "An inconvenient truth" Bore and the rest of their ilk about how people are responsible for the Earths problems and how not smoking and driving hybrid cars will save the planet.

I remember a local college prof who was on this bandwagon decades ago, when we were all sure it was global cooling, who not only talked the talk but walked the walk with a single light bulb in his small apartment for illumination, dressed in layers and gave up his car.

When Sheryl and Al decide to walk the walk and start carpooling is when I might consider the possibility of listening to them without laughing.