Friday, July 13, 2018

weight competition

When Tammy told me she was seeing a chiropractor for weight loss, I could barely contain my enthusiasm.  Not that I thought she needed reducing but chiropractic and weight loss goes together like bologna and whipped cream.  I couldn't wait to hear the whole plan.

Last night she brought over all her chiropractors Do's and Don'ts and what to eat when and how much of what and I immediately found some serious flaws.  Putting on my best poker face I suggested we have a weight loss contest.  The biggest loser gets a shinny quarter.

"A quarter?" she said.  "Let's make it worth while and have a dinner at Bandits for the biggest loser."  I compromised on a simple bottle of wine for the winner until Sue insisted on a dinner cause she wants in and thinks she can win this.  We settled on second and third place buys the dinner of choice for the biggest loser at Texas Steakhouse.  I already know what I want and it involves baby-back ribs for an appetizer and lots of drinks.  This is going to be so easy. 

Ok... A little back story here.  Sue is happy with her egg, orange, salad, and chicken diet and can gain or lose weight at will.  Tammy's diet is the basic amateur, bullshit diet that consists of high carb, low fat, low protein with some high priced oils and potions thrown in to make the whole process effortless and magical.  I chose one meal a day with keto.

We all weigh ourselves each morning and record it to track results.  From that, we measure our individual losses.  The contest is for one week, Thursday to Thursday. The number on day seven is subtracted from the first number and the biggest loser wins.  Simple.

Now, just to be clear, I'm not in competition to see who can lose the most weight but to prove this chiropractic hack is so full of shit and to prove to Tammy that she doesn't need to spend mega bucks for something she can do herself.

I can't say who had what for breakfast or lunch but I know what we all had for dinner.  Sue had celery and cottage cheese.  (Oh man, she's trying so hard) Tammy had scallops and salad.  I had fried mac n cheese, grilled pork chops, two brats, a whole cucumber, some cottage cheese, and a bag of chips.  Unlike Tammy and Sue, I'm not abstaining from alcohol but embracing it by drinking rum before bed.

The results are so predictable.  Sue will lose a few pounds, Tammy will lose less and gain it all back within a week and I'll lose a pound a day, keep it off, and get ripped in the process.

Day 1.  Sue lost .8 lbs, Tammy lost 0 lbs, and I lost 1.2 lbs, despite the gastronomical feast I consumed the night before.

See, I told them both upfront I was going to win and the initial quarter bet was just a token.  I explained how a high fat diet will hack your system into burning your own body fat for energy and intermittent fasting accelerates this process.  But they wanted to up the ante.  So be it.
I told you this was going to be easy.


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