Rev. T's Church of Global Warming/Climate Change

I was talking to God the other day, and he told me what this planet needs is a new religion ... a religion based on zero carbon.
I said, "But God, we need carbon."

"No my son, carbon is the enemy, as everyone knows.'

"You're right, God. I forgot. What should I do?"

"Well, I got Al Gore busy with all the scientists around the globe, already. What I need is a spiritual man ... someone who would go out there and help humanity offset their carbon footprints."

"And how am I going to do that, God?"

"My son, you thought Moses had it bad, walking around the wilderness with all those Jews for 40 years. I'm afraid your task will be many times harder."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I want you to stop using water, electricity, fuel of any kind, and consumption of animal products."

"You're joking, right?"

"I never joke. Just stop bathing, wear sackcloth and ashes, and travel the land preaching the message of a carbon-free world. Talk to people. Show them the errors of their ways. Show them how the illusionary human invention of currency can work to their advantage through you.

"Work out a plan, and I will help you succeed."

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So ended my conversation with The Great Almighty. For 6 days and 6 nights, I pondered the significance of this dialogue and came up with a plan.

What's the plan, you might ask?

Simply this ... My lifestyle can be traded by you for carbon neutrality.

How does this work? I shall suffer for you. Every aspect of my life will be in carbon deficit so that you can achieve the transition into carbon neutrality painlessly. Here is how my lifestyle will proceed from now on:

* Water -- None. I will keep water use to an absolute minimum. I will only drink enough to keep myself hydrated, and that is only if it rains, and bathing will be avoided at all costs. This means I will completely cut off the water supply to my residence.

* Electricity -- None. Regarding my small electrical needs, I have agreed to give sanctuary to one of our Mexican novice friars in exchange for cheerfully pedaling our bicycle generator which we have rescued from the nearby river, thus bringing full circle the holy vision of non-invasion of our environment.

* Food -- None. I shall eat only dirt, because that's the only substance that can be consumed that will have no impact on the Earth.

* Sanitation -- None. (I don't eat or drink, remember?)

* Transportation -- I shall walk, wearing my hand-made grass sandals, everywhere I need to go, however far that may be.

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As you can see, I live so carbon-free that I'm in negative numbers.

So what does that mean for YOU? I'll tell you what it means! You, too, can live carbon free without suffering... because I shall do the suffering for you.

How will this work? For a paltry sum, I will earn you carbon credits. You can continue your lifestyle without guilt, knowing you have helped the mission of carbon neutrality through me. Each dollar insures you have earned your place as an environmental warrior. By joining the church of the GW/CC you will help make a better world for all of our children. Isn't that worth a few dollars?

Join us now, and be a pioneer in saving the planet!

One carbon credit is worth $10, based on actual human consumption. This can be applied to the range of services humans require, i.e. sanitation, transportation, etc. For example, 5 carbon credits in donation to the mission equates to the average monthly water and sewage bill. Therefore, you are achieving carbon neutrality in sanitation, significantly reducing your carbon footprint for a month.
In short, MY pain is YOUR gain.

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Friends, this is a holy mission. Please join me in this great cause.


Write for more details. lofas@karmasurfer.com

Donations of a sexual nature earn additional carbon credits. Direct all correspondence to the attention of Sister Carbonelle.

God will like you for it.