owl driving

We all do dumb stuff on the highway from time to time, like doing 55 in a 65 zone or playing "hogs of the road" during rush hour. It's not like we do this all the time. We just act a fool on occasion to express our personal freedoms and driving individuality. After all, there are no highway "laws." I prefer to call them guidelines. Like the guideline that says if the speed limit is 65 and everyone else is going like a bat out of hell, you're a hazard if you don't match everyone elses speed. This is just common sense. I mean, if you can't keep up with the traffic then get off the highway, or at least stay in the granny lane. We all know this.

Except for drivers with an owl on the license plate!
I've noticed the annoying driving habits of these people with owls on the tags for the better part of a year now and all I can say is these people seriously lack the testosterone for normal driving in the 21st century. It's gotten to the point where I can see some jackass a half mile up the road, driving so safely, like he's hauling a pickup truck full of unsecured babies, that he's driving everyone to the point of road rage just being within sight of this fool.

When I get close enough to see this car at a dead stop, 5 car lengths behind the guy in front of him at a red light, I know, sure as the pope wears a funny hat, this asshole has an owl on his license plate.

These are the drivers who go off the beaten path and drive on the part of the road that's under construction instead of the lane with the rest of the cars. Cones? What cones?
These are the same drivers who come to a complete stop to make a right turn and who sit through 3 red lights to make a left turn because it's not safe to go past the crosswalk.

I'm not sure if it's this type of person that gravitates to owl tags or if the owl tags on a car makes assholes out of people through osmosis. Perhaps the person that is so hell bent on saving wildlife that they throw caution to the wind and get a license plate that reflects their single-minded fixation, who gets all their nutrients from a vegan diet because they won't eat anything with a face and lacks the testosterone from that diet to do anything other than playing it safe to the point of making drivers, like me, want to rear end them into the nearest culvert, believes they are an endangered species themselves.

It appears their ultra-safe habits of driving under the speed limit, with anywhere from 5 car lengths to as much as a mile of space in front of them, is their only defense and their greatest offense. Other drivers risk life and limb to get as far away from these owl drivers as possible by passing them on the right and double yellow lines to avoid staring at the owl on their ass. It's as if seeing the owl triggers a testosterone release in other drivers, forcing them to take greater risks and possibly decreasing their numbers, thus insuring owl survival.

I wonder what makes people with owls on their license plates tick? Is it just their driving that's fucked up or is it something deeper? Does the owl influence their non-driving life as well? What are their lives like? What kind of furniture do they have? What do they talk about when they sit in their living rooms after a sumptuous dinner of faceless vegan fare? What values do they teach their children besides bad driving? What do they do for fun? Do they wear seat belts in church? Is their inability to adapt to highway conditions and other drivers symptomatic to their general inability to adapt?
Do THEY consider themselves an endangered species and wear the owl to identify themselves as something to be protected?

I'm going to find out.

The next time I see a car with an owl on the license plate, instead of racing around it as fast as I can, I'm going to follow it and see where it takes me, wherever that may be. I'll put an owl on my car, to avoid suspicion, and infiltrate their community. I'll adapt to their ways, and soon, they'll accept me as one of them. I intend to study the natural habitats of these creatures, their populations, their mating cycles, and yes, even their mating rituals.

I have a strong feeling I'll have a very banal experience before long.

I'll keep ya posted.